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July 28, 2002
Oh man.... I dunno. I just read Peggy's Live Journal tonight. That was a bad idea. I read Peggy got kissed by someone. For some reason, I got jealous or something... I'm not sure. It might have been anger too. Probably a mixture of both. This obviously means that I'm not over Peggy yet, but she is over me, or has been for awhile i bet. Dammit, I get too emotionally attached and don't even realize it until they are gone. It was easier last year because Kelly and I just stopped talking for the summer, but I still talk to Peggy. Quite a bit too. It's not helping me get over her. I don't know what i'm going to do when she comes up on the weekend of August 10th. I can just see bad things happening. I can imagine me doing something and be extremely obvious to Peggy that i still really like her. I would love to get back together, but I don't think i could ever do that again. I'm afraid that I would hurt her all over again, so i guess i'll just bottle it up and try to act normal. Shit... it's going to be hard. I can't just draw into myself and not interact because she'll know something is up. I'm going to be walking a very fine line that weekend. I hope i can get through it. There's also anger in there somewhere because she has gotten over me but i haven't. She having fun in Cincinnati with an active social life and i'm stuck here in Elkhart with a very sickly one. It makes me wonder if i'm wasting my life by not getting out there and doing stuff with other people. I'm too shy or something to ask people if they wanna go do something. I'm cursed. I can see it getting extremely bad in Japan. Foreign country, don't know the language, no friends there.... I can see myself holing up in my host family house and just studying. Bahhhhhhh! Life does suck. Of course i'm just a whiny little bitch, because i don't really have anything to complain about. Relationships suck. There too much work and they always crash and burn, but i still yearn for them. Dammit. Humanity is full of quirks that just rip you apart. I'm slowly losing faith in the whole relationship thing. I can see myself not even trying. Wouldn't it be nice if stuff just happened coincedentally and everything worked out awesome. Just like some frickin' romance story. Life could be so much better, but NO! Life's not fair. Life's a bitch. Then you die. Well, i'm going to bed and be depressed for awhile! |