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August 12, 2002
Opps... yeah, i know i said i was in the mood to do more entries, but you know me. I think it's impossible for me to do more than 2 entries per month. I guess that's okay, but I should do more. I have things to say, but i forget them easily. I just need more of that new fangled modivation. Let's see, i need to update my position this work thing. I got layed off from the factory. I was not sad at all. I found a job the next day at the Essenhaus. I work in the bakery. Baked goods r0x0r!! I only have 3 days left there though. ^_^ Yay! I don't like full-time dead end summer jobs. They blow, but i need the funds!! That's the real kicker. I think I got enough funds for Japan. The plans for Peggy, Clare, and Jesse to come visit came to fruitation this past weekend. I had so much fun being the host. I think i put all that pent-up social energy all into this one weekend. I went all out for them. Food, plans, giving them the good old Adam pampering. Of course, i think i can only do that about 2 times a year and that's pushing it. That drained me. I'm still recovering from it. I was on the go all the time, making food, cleaning, making sure everyone has what they need and want. Crazy! I just hope I did as good a job as i thought i did. I think the best part was when we went to the beach. Great time! The party was pretty fun, but i had the most fun at the beach. Too bad everyone but Marla and Jesse wimped out when we climbed the big-ass dune. Jesse barely made it, but she was a trooper! (can't say that about Peggy, Clare, Nate, and Aubrey though.... I guess they just couldn't handle the awesome might of the dune. ^_^) Then the party later that day was great too. Everyone showed up that i thought was. I had enough food and beverages too! Towards the end of the party when we watched a DVD we had to use my laptop (yay!! i got one at a computer show) to finish the movie and i was suprised how well it handled it. Tetricus (my laptop) r0x0rzzzz, h4rdC0r3! Anyways, when they left this morning i felt relief for the first time since i started on Wednesday. I sat down and started to think before i left for work. I'm not going to see these guys for a whole school year. I'm going to change and they are going to change so it's never going to be then same from here on out. They are going to have completely different experience than i will this year. I wonder if we will be as good of friends when i come back, or is there going to be drifting? I know that things won't change too much between me and Jason, Nate, Whitney, Dan, and Aubrey. Since I've known them for so long, things take a lot longer to change, but what about Jesse, Clare, Peggy, and Marla? I've only known them for less than a year. Only time will tell. Change is good, but sometimes i don't want it to happen. That's the case for most people though, especially the unknown changes. Those suck the most. Another thing came to mind the other day too. Is it possible to have an attractive person of the opposite sex as a friend and not have any sexual tension or attraction, even if it's barely there? I don't think it is possible. I mean if you took at it at the basic level, we each got different "naughty parts", so things already are uneasy. Even if it is achieved, it's gotta be very rare. I makes me think that it takes so much from the friendship too and it ticks me off. Seeing as it's pretty much involintary, it makes me frustrated. There are probably ways to get rid of it, but that requires a lot of meditation and mental training and it's basically worthless if the other party involved still has these feelings. Maybe that's why you got the whole thing where girls get along with gay men so well. They are not even attracted to any female, so things are already on the right foot. Things are just too complicated. Simplicity appeals to me more and more all the time, but i bet if i did get all that simplicity I'd want more complexity. This complicates matters more... Gaaahhh! I'm going to stop now. Can't wait for work to end and then i can go visit everybody before i take the plunge into the Japanese way of life. Everything has finally come together after two years of planning and preparing. It's hard to believe that two years ago I was just starting college and finding out about the exchange program with Nanzan University. Time flies. That's scary. Soon, I'm going to be 30 and have a real job and a wife (hopefully). This scares the hell out of me though. It's the plan for the future, but i'd like it to stay the future for longer than it's going to seem. Hmmm... I wonder what it's going to be like when I'm 30. Will i still be addicted to computer games and anime? I'd like to hope so! Just imagine the collection i will have if i keep collecting games and anime for 10 more years. I'm going to have shitloads of the stuff!! WEee!! Okay.... Time to end this entry. Peace out, yo! And remember, when the po-po gots you down, don't forget those ill dips in those kicks yous gots. And don't forget to floss yo drauwers. (thank you peggy and your ghetto brother) August 13, 2002 Can it be true, has Adam written another entry the very next day after the last one!?!?!? Holy shit, it is. Only two days of work left at the Essenhaus, and then it's traveling time.... I'm going to be driving a lot. First i'll be up north with my family. There's an hour trip. Then it's off to Bloomington! Four painful hours there and then I gotta go see Mike and Jaime. There's maybe 2 hours, but then i think i might go back down the Bloomington for a bit and then back home.... Gahh... I'm going to have to burn some music and buy some albums to listen to. But, you know, I have to see all my friends for one last time! I'm going to be gone for 9 months. El nutso! Ordered a new bag for when i'm over there. My East Pack just isn't going to cut it anymore. It gave great service these past 6 years, but i think i'm going to have to put it out to pasture. That was a great bag. I was thinking about my last year in college and I've decided not to try and look attractive. I'm going to let my hair grow out. That includes my facial hair. I'm going to be a hairy beast and see what it's like! It's gonna be fun not to care. Perhaps i will become the atypical dirty college kid! Gotta have a serious change-up every once and awhile. Gack, i need to get the last part of my paperwork for my overseas study. Damn! That was a big ass pile. I'm glad this is the last batch that i have to send out. It's all downhill from here! Is this nervousness I'm feeling? Well, I guess it was going to happen sooner or later. Bedtime for me. August 14, 2002 What the hell is up with me lately? Here i am, yet again, writing an entry. I must have journal fever. I wonder if it's like beaver fever only not? THAT would be cool. But here i am, after work, doing the online/messing around with other computer. Having a dual-setup is pretty sweet. I'm online with my laptop and my other computer is networked to this computer and I'm watching anime and listening to music. So damn cool. Perhaps it's the nerd within that craves the kickass computer setup. Hell, i know it is. I haven't played a video game in over a week.... what's wrong with me you say? First it was the preperation for the weekend, the weekend and then work. I'm going to have to do some serious gaming before i go to japan, seeing as how i won't have my archive of gaming goodness at my fingertips. One a good note though, is that my host-brother like video games. SCORE!! There's going to be a gaming console there and it's going to rock, Japanese style. Well add yet another destination on my pre-Japan roadtrip. Gotta stop by DePauw and get a proper goodbye from Kelly. She's also going to give me a free t-shirt. R0x0rz. Last day of work is tomorrow. I'm very excited. Everything is winding down which means that i'm going to japan which is less than 2 and half weeks away. Hot damn. That's not long from now and i haven't been studying... Fuck me. I need to get ready for that placement test. Damn, i dunno if i'm ready for the hardcore studying again. Oh, what the hell am i saying? I'm a machine when i comes to that stuff or so says my friends. I find it quite dubious actually. I talk to people and see people studying waaaaaay more than i do. Perhaps my friends are uber-slackers. I wouldn't be suprised if they were. I think i know why i don't write entries much. I don't have anything really deep to talk about everyday or expand on. Good thing i don't think about all this stuff everyday or come up with this shit all the time. That would suck. I'm just fine with the video games/Japan/sex mentality. It's fun and easy, but you gotta through in the occasional intelligent thought or your brain will become complacent and become fat. So basically i have nothing intelligent to say tonight. Go figure. I've written entries 3 nights in a row. This is unheard of. "The monkey watches." - Penny Arcade August 15, 2002 Tack one more up for the number of journal entries in a row. I'm a machine. I think that i'm writing more entries because I finally transfered my website to my laptop. So the updating is that much easier. You know, i write this stuff down and the next day i can barely remember what I wrote. It's nuts. I just got done reading the past three days of entries to refresh my memory on what i've written. It's kinda freaky. I just start writing and don't really pay attention to what I AM writing.... I got some major flowage from the fingers. This is good of course it might get me in trouble seeing as sometimes i write stuff down that come of nowhere. Got some crazy-ass shit floating around in my head. So I read up on Aubrey's journal last night and it got me thinking. I compared it to my journal and found that it doesn't stack up to hers. She's got some serious skills. Of course she says that she doesn't and she's lost it, but even her worst journal entry is better than mine. I got all this: "yeah I did this and then did this and it was awesome!" Not exactly the meat and potatoes that Aubrey's got. Blah, blah, blah. I guess perhaps that I just have a different style or something. If so, then i like Aubrey's style better. I think it's because she adds emotion to every entry where I don't think i do that. If i do, it's infrequent. Or perhaps i'm doing just as good as Aubrey and i just have a skewed perspective being as it's from the other side. Yikes... I wrote a letter to Peggy last night and don't remember half of it. I do know that it was extremely serious. I didn't write a bit of humor in there. No sacastic remarks, no teasing, no goofy shit, just plain old me without my cover. It was odd. I don't think i've ever opened up that much on paper before. I just hope Peggy doesn't get freaked out about it or something. GAAAH!! I need to put that damn letter in the mail. It's sitting here on my desk, sealed. I did that last night so i can't reread what i wrote. Damn me for knowing I probably would not send it if i left it out. No, it's sitting there, sealed in a nice little envelope with her address on it. I can be a devious bastard sometimes. On a lighter note, I am no longer employed! yay for me!!! I like having funds but working for it just isn't that fun. Especially when it's a low-end summer job that suX Oh well, that's out of the way and Japan is the next step! YAY BILLY-SAN! Everytime i think about going there now, i get the usually excitement, but now i get some insane nerviousness with it! Yikes, i'm going to be going crazy by the time September 1st roles around. August 19, 2002 (barely) It's two minutes after midnight, so techinquely it's Monday, so this is going to be a Monday entry. Anyways, I just got back from a weekend up north visiting the Ledyard side of my family. I've begun my tour de friends/family. I'm going to try and see all my friends and family before i leave in two weeks for Japan. Things are moving faster than i want them now. I orginally wanted it to go really fast, but now i need it to slow down so i can get everything in! Dammit... It really is going way too fast. I don't have enough time to get everything i want done. Of course this includes beating a few video games, but hey! that's part of my life. Actually went and read Peggy's live journal again. I got a very different reaction than i did in July. I really didn't feel any different when I read about Peggy and her adventures in the dating scene. That letter must have drained the last of the poison that was the relationship breakup. I feel that I am merely a friend of Peggy's now, well, as close as you can get after you've had a relationship with someone. Good thing too. I am leaving the country for awhile. Gotta tie up loose ends. Can't leave that shit hangin'. So, that means, I'm emotionally stable or something... Very good when representing your country. For being a pretty boring summer, i really had some interesting emotional problems. I'm one crazy fuck! Of course it's probably just me having too much time to myself. Most guys would just masterbate or something, but NNNNNoooooo, i start thinking about emotions and shit. No wonder that damned gay joke follows me around. Hopefully i can evade it when i get on that jumbo jet to Japan. Here's me hoping against hope. 1:07 One thing I won't miss. My sister doing stuff that pisses me off. She came down, wanted to check her email. Simple enough. Soon she is logging off my screen name, logging into hers, and then telling someone to call her. So now she is talking about relationship shit with a friend. Pisses me off so much when she does shit like this! Dammit, she's the only one that can get on my nerves so easy. Fuckin' A Well, i just wanted to say something about this. I'm going to go harras her now. Fuck her. If she's going to get on MY nerves, then she's going to get some shit in return. August 28, 2002 Well, I'm back from my marithon roadtrip so i can say goodbye to all my friends (yes, i actually have friends) I drove over 1000 miles. Shit, i kinda sucked, but i did get to visit with my friends before i leave them all for 9 months. When I left the dorm where my friends were, they didn't want me to leave. At first i felt a bit shocked. I know I'm friends with them and love to hang out with them, but i didn't think they would make a bit of a fuss. Perhaps, I always felt like a bit of a nuisance what with me always being goofy and bouncing off the walls or perhaps the constant bashing i recieved. I know it's all just fun and games, but sometimes your subconscience doesn't listen to reason. dumb bastard.... Anyways, it felt really good to feel genuinely wanted by them. ^_^ I think Marla gave me the best going away gift. A paper clip. Yes, it sounds weird, but she attached something to it. If i give it back to her when i get back, she'll get me something "cool" I really don't care what it is but whenever i look at the paperclip I'll remember Marla. What a great friend. I hope i never loose connections with her. So, i thought i was over Peggy and that I can be okay with being friends with her.... WRONG! I don't know what it is about her, she's just so appealing. So I guess I'll have to live with liking her in that way. I seriously would like to have another go with her.... of course there's that whole crash and burn thing that could happen again. I'd probably run out in the middle of traffic or something if I hurt her again. I dunno if these emotions will fade with the passage of time when i don't see her or anything while in Japan. Then there's the fact that i don't want to loose those feelings. Even if I never do have another intimate relationship with Peggy, i hope that I'll never forget her in that way. Does that make me a psycho? I hope not. I've glanced at her live journal about two times.... I kinda felt weird, like i shouldn't go and read that stuff. I probably won't go there again. It's not even the secret one. I dunno, perhaps it'll be better if stayed away from that. Gah! Emotions in a tangle again. Damn that Peggy. ^_^ Yes, i have problems. Yes, I'm still emotionally stable. Yes, I'm glad I have this tangle. It's oddly entertaining. Okay, that sounds a bit insane, but life would be too dull without situations that fuck you up a bit. It's good to be on your toes. Keeps the ol' noggin from going to mush. So yeah, that's my words of wisdom. Well, i'm acutally going to upload the July entry. I am okay with it now. I know it was a spontaneous entry where i let everything out. It's not even that back either. Sometimes I think i'm too protective of my emotions. I just read it the other day and realized that I have an emotion storm in my brain somewhere. I wonder what would happen if i just let it have free reign? Would i be a jealous, angry bastard? Would I actually get violent when someone pissed me off or provoked me? Personally, I'm glad i bottle it up and then let it out later when there isn't raging emotions behind it. Makes me a much nicer person to be around. Atleast that's what I believe. Anways, this ends tonights entry. August 29, 2002 I think the nervousness of the trip is getting to me. I couldn't even finish dinner tonight. It's weird... I'm lossing my desire to eat. I started thinking about the trip, I mean really started thinking about it. I'm picturing myself on the plane and stuff but once i land in Tokyo it's all a blank. I have no previous experiences to pull from. This is going to be totally new. No matter how much i talk to people who have been there and done the same thing I'm going to do, there's still this huge uncertainty laughing at me. I can't bring all my nick nacks and shit either. The only thing keeping me tied to the lifestyle over here is going to be my clothes and my laptop. I personally don't give a shit about clothes, so Tetricus is my anchor. Well, i guess i have my picture album too. ^_^;; I have nothing to worry about but the unknown just gets to me sometimes. Well, i have about half my packing done. It's much easier to move when you are only using two suitcases and a carry on. My mom keeps freakin' thinkin' i won't have enough room. It's kinda funny. She obviously doesn't know of my mad packing skillzzzzz. Well, bedtime and what not. August 31, 2002 So, yeah. This is my last entry in the States till May. This is insane. Crazy insane too. I can't believe that in 12 hours or so I'll be on a plane leaving the country and i won't be back for 9 months. This is one of the major points in my life. I'm always going to remember this experience. These next 9 months are going to have a great impact on who i am. I will be a different person when i get back to the states. It's kinda scary and stuff. Two bags or stuff and a carry-on is all my possesion for the this experience. Oh man! Getting nervous and shit. I'm glad I'm not a person who throws up when they get extremely nervous. That would really suck. I'm plunging into the unknown tomorrow. Everything is going to be new. Daily life is going to be hard for awhile. That's really exciting to me. Where getting to school is going to be totally new and exciting. Even living in a house is going to be new. I'm going to be living with total strangers that don't know english. But by the time i leave, they will be my family and it'll be just as sad leaving there as it was leaving here. Well, i think I'll write about something different than my trip. The one thing I miss the most from relationships is the physical contact. I'm not talking about the schweaty crazy makeout sessions, but the little things. Like holding hands, brushing up against the other person, caressing the face, the embraces while watching tv, etc. That secret little connection between us where you just give a glance, pat, or touch that says a lot. It sounds cheesy as hell and sappy but that's what i miss. Not the wild sex ^_^ Being that close to another human being is an experience that leaves you wanting everytime it leaves. Maybe that's why I'm not a big fan of superfical relationships... if you can call them that. That's why I don't rush into the kissing and real intimate stuff. Perhaps i like to establish that connection first or maybe i'm just too afraid of rejection. Sometimes I don't know what's the problem. I know the other party involved wants the get phsycal and I want to too. What exactly is keeping me from going forward? Who knows. Maybe because it's the next big step in this sort of thing or perhaps because it is uncharted territory. When it comes to girls, the unknown is a bad place to be. Well, enough of that prattle. Watch out Japan! Adam is coming with his supa gaijin powa!! |