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April 15, 2002
Hmmmm.... I talk about sex and everyone starts signing my guestbook. That's crazy. Maybe I should talk about it all the time!! ^_^ I have no problems with that. Classes are winding down towards the end. Only 2 weeks of class left!! That's frickin' awesome. I can't wait to get out of here for awhile. I need the rest. I just gotta wade through all the damn projects and papers.... Dammit them and there homework giving ways! I just have to survive three weeks and then I'll be on my way home for some relaxation until i start the next stress in my life: Japan. It's going to be fun as hell, but at the same time frustrating and stressful. Oh well! I can take it. I'm a badass... (you can stop laughing now) I have done nothing productive lately. I have done a few sketching but they suck, which reminds me, i should put another one up just for the hell of it. I haven't touched my fantasy story. I have been playing video games alot. That's not a big shock though. That's the only stable thing in my life! Been downloading a shitload of Anime too... I love free anime. I get excited about it all the time. IT'S FREE! Don't you understand? It's like crack being handed out on the streets for free, no strings attached. Fan subs are the best thing since sliced bread. One thing i have been doing is buying Magic cards on Half.com and Ebay.com... I don't know why. I barely play it anymore. I guess i need something to collect and the anime is not satisfying me. Also downloaded some Cowboy mouth. I like them. Ha! I waited to the end to talk about sex, so you had to wade through the mundane crap that i usually write. ^_^ Just call me Mr. Devious. Here's the thing. I think my sex drive is in overdrive. I suppressed it for awhile. I mean, I had an interest in making out and physical contact in HS, but didn't really see myself getting naked and doing the nasty, but now.... Can't hold it back anymore! I'm a super sexual being! Bow before my sexual desire..... or not. I still got it under control though. I am still the master of my domain, but if i'm presented with a situation where sex is involved (and not violating any relationship I have at the moment, a.k.a. girlfriend) I'm going to jump all over that! Racuous sex all around. Sex? Yes please. April 21, 2002 I'm sitting here wondering where everyone went, and since I had nothing else better to do, I'll write an entry in my journal. One week of classes and one week of finals left. It's very surreal. This means I'll be halfway done with my college career and this next year will be in Japan, so I have only one year left of normal college life left. That's fuckin' nuts. I'm not really looking forward to real life and getting a real job. Life is starting to get alittle more understandable now too. On Tuesday, Peggy and I broke up. I guess I saw it coming. I kinda denied it though. I ignored it thinking it would go away (bad mentality, i know) and the trigger for the break up was my past journal entry. It really pissed her off but part of it was a misunderstanding. I'll expand on this entry later. I've realized somethings about myself. I don't like confrontation and showing my feelings. I ignored her and treated her badly for about a month until she finally snapped and told me. Totally my fault. I finally stopped berating myself for doing that shit, but it's going to take a lot longer to get over the break up. I remember it took about 3 months to get over Kelly and I so it'll probably last though the summer. It'll be good for me. I need to reflect on this shit more often. Gotta get this shit straightened out or I'll be doomed to a single life and i really don't want that. I have to open up with myself before i can open up with someone else. This is a big thing. The other big thing is that I put my studies before anything else. That's what is the root of it all I believe. I started getting more work and I started stressing a bit. My solution: Shut down my relationship and divert all that energy to the studying. I take my grades and education very seriously. I broke up with Kelly about the same time last year. The end of the second semester really sticks it to me, so i have to really concentrate on it. This means I'm either going to have to become more lax in my seriousness or just have light, fun relationships. I don't know if i can do either, so I guess I'm doomed to be single till I graduate. I guess I'll be fine with that and if not, tough shit. I'm not going to hurt someone just because I'm selfish and want a relationship. I know it's going to crash and burn when the workload is turned up. Eh... I'll figure it out. Now, back to that last journal entry. I think I was just trying to play myself as something I'm not. You think of a college male, and think of what I just described in the last entry. I'm not like that at all. I just want to be like that, so I thought that by saying I was a sex maniac that it would come true. Not true, obviously. I don't have a big sex drive. It's always been a thing I couldn't figure out. Why am I not lusting after beautiful women? Why don't I wanna fuck anything with breast and a vagina (and human! dammit, why do you always have to misconstrue what i say? I don't wann fuck animals). Yeah, so I'm not a big sex person, but I not totally against it. If it's the right thing to do, then I'm not going to run away from it, but that situation isn't going to come along anytime soon. I don't know if i can have sex with no strings attached. It needs to have feelings behind it to fuel it and that only happens when you have a good, solid relationship. And as i said before, my academic career gets in the way. FUx0r. Oh well! Such is life. I'm going to drop this subject now and talk about it more later. On a lighter note, I had a great time these past two days. Went to a party with some people I met in my Japanese drill section. It turned out that most of the people at the party were Korean, so I got to experience some of their culture. They made me some Bomb Shots. Tequila and beer. Damn! I got really fucked up, but I stopped at the right time. I drank myself up to the line, but I didn't cross it. Thank god! Not throwing up is good. I got home piss drunk and I got on IM. Yeah, I know, bad idea. It turned out good. I had a great talk with Whitney. If you are reading this, thanks alot for listening to me and being honest with me! I owe you big time. I really do have great friends. Then tonight, there was a get together at the club house. It was for Peggy's, Rebecca's, and Nate's birthdays. I got to play Risk with some people I don't usually talk with. It was really fun! This weekend was really good for me. I got to be with people I'm not usually with. There wasn't the usually gay jokes about me and the strong feminism that I kinda feel gets in the way. I don't have anything against it. It's a good thing, but when it's at the forefront of all the conversations, it irritates me. I'm not going to come out and say: "Stop with all the feminism shit! Geez, you guys are pissing me off." It's part of them and that's how it goes. I gotta accept them for who they are! That's the way it goes. I know some of them read this journal, so this is for you: Please don't get pissed off with me. I'm not insulting you guys so please don't rip my head off. I'm just writing down my observations and thoughts. That's it! Don't blow it out of context. This journal is for me, not you guys. I put it up so you can read it and give me feedback in my guestbook (Thanks for all the comments too! You guys are the greatest). ^_^ I guess you guys can get pissed off if you want.... Just don't take it out on me or just stop reading this journal. Now that that's all said.... I think I'll go off and do something else. I'll probably think about stuff and write down some more stuff on all this crap. This will be a work in progress for awhile I think. I mean, if i solved all this shit, why the hell am I writing a journal? ^_^ |